May 21, 2014 - Happy Birthday Daddy.

Dear Daddy,

I'm writing this here because I can't speak to you in person or even face-to-face. I tried calling earlier but either you changed your number or you justy turned off your phone because it's Galungan Day over there.

I just want to wish you a 'Happy Birthday'. Even though you weren't the best dad and I'm not the best daughter and I still hold a grudge on you til this day, I would never forget your birthday. I hope this year you get what you always wanted. I hope you never regret having me and I hope you are happy with your wife.

"Happy Birthday, Daddy! Wishing you all the best and have a great one. Love you."

xoxo,

Jessica

Siblings?!

I have 2 younger siblings and they mean the world to me. They are my everything. 

When I was younger, I grew up alone for about six years until my baby sister came. I loved having a sister, especially since I was the oldest so in my head I could tell her what to do and what not to. It was an adventure having her around. We always played together and I would also help my mom take care of her from changing her diaper, making her milk, and even giving her a bath. I loved having her in my life and until this day I still do love having her. For the first 4 years of her life, we would always bicker. We were like cats & dogs my parents said. [I was the only child before my parents had my sister and I wasn't use to sharing everything with her and always got jealous but as I grew up, I grew to understand why my parents always taught me to share and always to relent as an older sister.]

When my mom had my brother, we got along more. We both adored him so much. He was so cubby and cute. My sister would always want to help my mom carry him and kiss him when my mom was she feeding him. They were the cutest and the most wonderful thing that I had in my life. I didn't get to spend much time with my brother when he was younger so I don't have much memories than I had with my sister. My dad told my mom to take my sister and brother to move to Bali, Indonesia — I was left in the States with my dad and to be apart from my siblings due to my parents economics in the States. At that moment they left, I realized I was missing something in my life, my siblings.

A few months later, I decided to go move to Bali and stay with my sister and brother so I can watch over them and so my parents didn't have to worry about them (but in that case, I was actually worried about them more). It was hard for me at first since I had to adapt in a new country and learn a new language. But 10 years past and I never regret living there, I just regret living the life of a broken home child but I will get to that later. Because of living in Bali, we grew closer to each other than ever. My sister and I are like an envelope and stamp; my brother and I weren't that close back then but now
since I'm not living with them anymore — he seems to miss me alot and he wants me to come home soon.

After 10 years I lived in Bali I am now writing this currently living in New York City. Again the seperation between the siblings continue. It's pretty hard for me now since I left my sister and brother who are still young with my dad that was never around for me growing up. Sometimes I just cry thinking of them and think what do they eat, do they have money, are they ok without me. Even though I look tough on the outside, I'm fragile in the inside and would rather cry by myself than make somebody else worry about me.

Everytime I would see a family, I would always want to cry and think of mine. Even when I see kids I know bicker with their siblings, I feel in pain because I can't do that with my own siblings. Everytime I would tell them to appreciate what they have and each other, they talk back to me and say I'm such a know it all about siblings or even say that A hates B, etc. [Actually, I'm still figuring out the sibling life. I always think back when I was by myself if I didn't have any siblings maybe I would have been a selfish person. Thank goodness I'm not!]

Thru the 21 years of my life, I've never regret having siblings or moving away to the country my parents grew up at. It was all such a new experience for me and if I hadn't had siblings at that time, I wouldn't have ever thought of moving to Bali and I would have met my wonderful best friends (but I will get to that later).

But this experience with my siblings made me grew into a girl who has more love to her siblings than herself. It also made me understand what people have and don't have. In a way, I'm glad God gave me a chance to experience this. It is hard for me, but I know God gave me this challenge because God knows I can accomplish it and one day everything will be back to normal. I will be reunited with my sister and brother again — as a family.

"Appreciate what you have today, because you don't know what will happen tomorrow."

#stopcuttingtoday

Are you a cutter? If you are, please stop cutting yourself..

Recently, one of my KPOP idols, Key from SHINee – reached out to a fan to incouraged her to stop cutting..

Even though Key is busy with his schedule and his life, he is still able to care for his fans. He's watching over his fans through instagram.♥️

I've seen her instagram page and also the comments on the pictures she posts. Some people said that she did it to get attention but I bet that's not true..

I know I've never done cutting before or never will try too, but I've seen my younger sister cut herself and helped her stop cutting. So I want to help you from cutting too.

"Dear Cutter,

You are beautiful and amazing. Please stop cutting yourself. There are so many people out there who love you, even friends from the same kpop fandom. I'm willing to be right by your side and be your friend. You are not alone.. Please love yourself and cherish your body. Stop cutting today! ♥️"

If you have somebody you know who likes to cut him/herself. Please help that person or find somebody to help. Incourage them to be a better person. Love them and care for them. #STOPCUTTINGTODAY

Dear Daddy – a Letter for you

Dear Daddy,

I've been your little girl since July 22, 1992 and now I'm 21 years old and now living far away from you. Maybe until this day, you've NEVER loved me the same way since everything that happened with Mama or even before you and Mama parted, but I still wait for that father figure from you.

Thru these years you've been there in body but NEVER there in mind and heart. I hope you NEVER regreted having 3 children with Mama and I hope you NEVER regreted having us in your life.

December 8, 2013 – I found out you were getting married again to a woman I haven't met or even know about. In a way, I'm happy for you but in another way, I can't accept it. I went so much thru your divorce with Mama and you NEVER asked me or my siblings what we wanted. You were NEVER there – holding my hand and saying sorry that you've hurted Mama and us, as your children. You've NEVER thought about us as a part of your life.

I've been hurt by you and your family, but you NEVER seemed to care. You would NEVER protect us from the words they would say to us. What am I to you? Who am I to you? Don't you see that I'm in pain? Don't you see all your children are in pain because of you? Maybe we hide it well, but you NEVER seemed to be aware of our feelings. You NEVER seem to be aware of anything that happens in our life.

January 4, 2014 – Two days till your marriage with a woman I don't even know. I feel bad I'm not there for the sake of my sister and brother. I'm hurt from a far. My heart is crying and you couldn't even hear or tell.

January 5, 2014 – One more day til your marriage with a woman I don't even know. I feel uneasy. I feel I just want to runaway from the fact your whole family is supporting you and nobody – I repeat nobody cares SH*T about us! My brother, sister and I. How do we feel? Do you really know? No you don't! Because you're only thinking about what you need not what we need.

Maybe I'm not living with you anymore, but as your daughter – I feel in pain! I feel disappointed. I feel ashamed. I feel I can never trust you or look at you the same way I looked at you while I was growing up! The dad I thought was great and perfect was actually – NOT. I have tears in my eyes and also have tears in my heart.

Hopefully that you are happy with your life with your new wife, but I hope you don't forget your duties as our father – to put us thru school, for your love and to be a father figure we always wanted you to be since we were born.

January 6, 2014 – The day has come and we can't back out now. We can just smile and pray for your happiness and nothing will happen to us in the future. Astungkara. ૐ

We're not stopping you thru your plan in life, but I hope you can understand our feelings. Today our life begins having a stepmom and today our life ends looking at you a different way with a different woman. </3

I could never say my thoughts in front of you and to your face because I've never got the chance and bravery, but I can only tell you thru this letter. Thru these words, I hope you can open your eyes to be the father figure we want you to be.

Love,

Jessica Ekarahayu A.