Dear Daddy – a Letter for you

Dear Daddy,

I've been your little girl since July 22, 1992 and now I'm 21 years old and now living far away from you. Maybe until this day, you've NEVER loved me the same way since everything that happened with Mama or even before you and Mama parted, but I still wait for that father figure from you.

Thru these years you've been there in body but NEVER there in mind and heart. I hope you NEVER regreted having 3 children with Mama and I hope you NEVER regreted having us in your life.

December 8, 2013 – I found out you were getting married again to a woman I haven't met or even know about. In a way, I'm happy for you but in another way, I can't accept it. I went so much thru your divorce with Mama and you NEVER asked me or my siblings what we wanted. You were NEVER there – holding my hand and saying sorry that you've hurted Mama and us, as your children. You've NEVER thought about us as a part of your life.

I've been hurt by you and your family, but you NEVER seemed to care. You would NEVER protect us from the words they would say to us. What am I to you? Who am I to you? Don't you see that I'm in pain? Don't you see all your children are in pain because of you? Maybe we hide it well, but you NEVER seemed to be aware of our feelings. You NEVER seem to be aware of anything that happens in our life.

January 4, 2014 – Two days till your marriage with a woman I don't even know. I feel bad I'm not there for the sake of my sister and brother. I'm hurt from a far. My heart is crying and you couldn't even hear or tell.

January 5, 2014 – One more day til your marriage with a woman I don't even know. I feel uneasy. I feel I just want to runaway from the fact your whole family is supporting you and nobody – I repeat nobody cares SH*T about us! My brother, sister and I. How do we feel? Do you really know? No you don't! Because you're only thinking about what you need not what we need.

Maybe I'm not living with you anymore, but as your daughter – I feel in pain! I feel disappointed. I feel ashamed. I feel I can never trust you or look at you the same way I looked at you while I was growing up! The dad I thought was great and perfect was actually – NOT. I have tears in my eyes and also have tears in my heart.

Hopefully that you are happy with your life with your new wife, but I hope you don't forget your duties as our father – to put us thru school, for your love and to be a father figure we always wanted you to be since we were born.

January 6, 2014 – The day has come and we can't back out now. We can just smile and pray for your happiness and nothing will happen to us in the future. Astungkara. ૐ

We're not stopping you thru your plan in life, but I hope you can understand our feelings. Today our life begins having a stepmom and today our life ends looking at you a different way with a different woman. </3

I could never say my thoughts in front of you and to your face because I've never got the chance and bravery, but I can only tell you thru this letter. Thru these words, I hope you can open your eyes to be the father figure we want you to be.

Love,

Jessica Ekarahayu A.

RIP Paul Walker – My Favorite Actor

November 30, 2013 was a tragic day for #fastfurious fans and family.

Paul Walker died in a car crash after doing some good for the world, to help out the Philpphines.

He was a great & loved man, and also a wonderful actor. He died at the age of 40 and left his beautiful daughter behind, Meadows Walker and also family and fans.

I'm writing personally as a big fan of Paul Walker. I loved his acting and I still can't believe he's gone, but I know he has become an angel and is watching down on us. He will be missed and never be forgotten. Rest in Peace you handsome man, Paul W. Walker.

Latepost–Happy Birthday my Beloved BFFs❤️

November 13, 2013❤️

Is the day my best friend turned 20th. Even though I couldn't be there by her side, but the thought of the greetings and giving something special from deep in my heart counts.

I cherish everything she's done for me and grateful to have met her and got to know her.

I know it's just a late post, but everything about her means everything to me. She's not only my best friend or a girl I met in high school, but she's a sister, like family.

Love you Ni Made Ayu Noviantari❤️

The bestest friend a girl can have ♡

Are you a Child of God? Which God?

For about the past year, I've been in a religion dilemma. My mom is Christian and my dad is Hinduism and by the way, my parents' are divorced.

I followed my dad's religion ever since I was young and it's in my blood but since I moved with my mom, I've been going to church. I go to church because I want to respect my mom's wishes that she wants to move on with her life, be reborn again in her new life with Christ and go to church. I go for the sake of her and nobody else. It's not that I don't believe in God, but I already have a God that I believe in. Nothing personal though, it's just my heart has been filled up by something and someone else.

The people in my mom's church have been asking me to join in all the church events and some of them keep saying I should be baptist or I should come in the path if Christ. I respect them for doing that, promoting their lifestyles and their relationship with God, but to me I feel nausea and heartache at the same time. They always say they're the children of God. Am I not too? I am but just in different beliefs. Isn't that the same?

Recently, I have been having problems with some people. They're so devoted to church. But in my mind, I always thought that people who went to church or even devoted their life for church would be holy and sinnless, always lived their life thru their bible, and never made mistakes — but I guess I was wrong. These people do make mistakes like I do and also bad-mouth about other people all the time and they call me a non-believer of God?

Maybe I'm not a believer of Christ but I know I am a believer of God. I know he is there watching me all the time. I maybe just go to church not to worship God, just to respect my mom and her friends but I also pray my own way. Just because my religion is different doesn't mean I don't have a religion.

I respect all religions and everybody should do the same. I respect the holidays but other people don't respect mine. I respect every part of every religion but they never respect mine. Each religion is the same, just it was created a different way and with a different name.

Which child of God are you? Do you know which one you belong to? Do you respect the other children of God? I know I do.

My Dreams – Are Not Just Dreams.

For the last two days, I've been having a hard time sleeping – not insomnia. It's not only because of this summer weather but I've been having bad dreams and it's been so hard for me to sleep.

Some people say that dreams are just something that you want to see or it's just a story in your mind  – like make believe; but for me, this one feels real; like it's something that God wants me to see and realize about what is happening in my life.

About my dream – 

I've been dreaming about a person that was trying to kill me. People that I knew were being killed just to protect me...

I would run from this person but I could never hide.

Once I would meet with that person and almost been killed; I would wake up and I would already be sweating and panting – like I just did a 10 mile jog.

I was so scared. I really thought that I would die soon. It felt so real. It felt like I was there. It felt so hard to forget it too.

Since I felt so unsecure, I tried google-ing meanings of dreams.

I found the meaning of being killed is:

"To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed."

I was surprised when I saw this meaning of my dream. I was going thru a hard time in my life. I've been feeling lost since I moved from Bali. I had nobody that I can actually trust; even though I live with my own mom. It was depressing and sad. I also tried to get rid of the bad habits just for the people I cared about especially towards my mom.

I felt I was lost in a way before I had this dream and when after I had the dreams and I saw this meaning, it hit me.

It felt like a sign for me. Like God was telling me that I was just trying to get lost from everything that was and is surrounding me.

I hope this will be my last dream about being killed. I hope I can become a better person as my new age arrives soon.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti Om.

Promoting @jerastudios ♥

Hey everybody!

It's been a while I haven't wrote on my blog.

It's already 2013! Whoop Whoop!

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Cyber bullying, I've been there before.

I just watched the movie Cyberbully that was played by Emily Osment. It impressed me in a way. A lot of kids these days are being bullied on the internet especially on a social network. Like on Facebook, Myspace, or even Twitter. People that are the bullies may think it's funny being a cyber-bully, but it's wrong. I've been cyber-bullied before and I would tell you my story.

***

I remember like it was yesterday, Facebook was the hip social network and Twitter was just becoming popular in my school. I went to school at SMAK Santo Yoseph Denpasar Bali, Indonesia. I was in the 11th grade when I was being cyber-bullied from kids in the same grade as me.

I've been crazy about internet since I was in 9th grade when Friendster was the hip thing and then Facebook started I got more hyped about it. I love to update my status and upload my photos to Facebook. It was so cool to me. When the I was cyber-bullied by kids at my school in the 11th grade and my mom saw their words on my profile.

It was horrible! I was upset and nobody to talk to. Almost all the kids at my school hated me and picked on me on facebook. I just wanted to run away and delete my profile. They called me names, like fatty, coquettish (in indonesian), they would post that I look way different in my pictures than in real life, not even pretty, etc. But the funny part was the people I didn't even knew called me names and posted stuff on my facebook. And there were also kids that twittered me just mean things on Twitter. It's like my heart was made from stone. It's like they thought I wouldn't be heartbroken but I was and so disappointed too.

I always thought, what did I do to them? I don't even know them. Probably I see them at school but I don't know them that well. It always slipped in my mind what they said to me. It's my life not theirs and even the stuff they said before isn't even true. But at least I stood up for myself and never backed away from my problems. I just faced it day by day until the just started forgetting.

Typing right now about what they said about me is so sad and I wish it never happened to me but it did. I don't hate the people that called me names and tried to be tough in the cyberspace and behind my back and never had the guts to talk to me in person, but I wish they would understand if that happened to them. Something like that but worse.

We should stop cyberbullying to happen. It's wrong and the victims can be hurt because of the cyber-bullies words even though they thought it was just something fun to do. But to me, it's just wasting time and useless!

People said bad things (but I think I already erased & blocked the people that said bad things about me) but I fought back with these statuses.